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**Renamed** The Official Joke Thread
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Should Smoke add a joke section?
Heck Yeah!!!
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Naaa People Would Abuse It.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

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10sec.et
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Joined: 29 Mar 2006
Posts: 3472
Location: Houston,Texas
346624.78 points


1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A burly Irishman is drinking in a bar. A tiny gay fellow sits beside him. After a few beers, the gay guy whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”

The gigantic man flips out, roars in anger, and tosses the little guy out of the bar, then returns to his stool.

The shocked bartender says, “I’ve never seen you react like that. What did that guy say?”

“Dunno. Something about a job.”

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Mary Jane’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Lewis.

Mary Jane’s father asks Lewis what they’re planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Mary Jane’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Mary Jane’s father, “Mary Jane really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Lewis’ eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“Dammit Daddy! It’s called the TWIST!”
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her “Wanna have sex?”

“No.” She answered.

I said, “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.” She replied.

So I said, “I’d like to phone a friend.”



That’s the last thing I remember…
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af2
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1933 Willys Coupe

PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

squeeezer wrote:
So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her “Wanna have sex?”

“No.” She answered.

I said, “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.” She replied.

So I said, “I’d like to phone a friend.”



That’s the last thing I remember…


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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squeeezer
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Location: new richmond WI
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A traffic patrol cop catches a Ford travelling at 85 mph in a 70 mph limit. Putting on his lights and siren he follows the car and makes it pull over. He gets out of the patrol car and approaches the driver of the other.
"Excuse me, sir", starts the officer, "are you aware you have been travelling at 85 mph and the speed limit is only 70?"
"I'm sorry, officer, you must be mistaken, I never break the speed limit".
"Oh, come on, Henry," says the other occupant in the car, Henry's wife, "you know you always go at least 80 mph on this road if you think you can get away with it!"
"will you shut up!!" shouts an annoyed Henry.
"Also sir, I notice your right hand rear tail light isn't working. I'm going to have to book you for that as well"
"Not working?" demands Henry "well, it certainly was this morning. It must have just blown just now."
"Now then Henry, you know that's not true", chips in the wife, ":I've been nagging you to get that fixed since last week".
"Damn it, you stupid woman, will you keep your mouth shut!"
"Sir, there's something else I have to report you for. You were not wearing your seat belt, which of course is a further offence".
"Of course I was", says Henry. "I just took it off when I stopped the car".
"Now then, Henry", chimes in the wife yet again. "You know how you always forget to buckle up. How many times have I told you?"
"For God's sake you silly bitch , will you shut the hell up!" Henry by now is very angry.
The officer turns to Henry's wife. "Tell me madam, does your husband always speak to you like this?"
"Yes, he's always the same after he's had a few drinks....."
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HENRY FORD ENTERING HEAVEN


At the gates of Heaven, the angel tells Henry Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.


Adam says "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”

The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”

“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

The Arab rasped “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
—Alfred Fisher

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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Joined: 29 Mar 2006
Posts: 3472
Location: Houston,Texas
346624.78 points


1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Cajun fishermen, Brock and Charley, take off fishing in the Gulf of Mexico for a couple of months.

Upon their return, they notice a Taco Bell has been built near the dock.

Brock turns to Charley and says, “Well, look at that! Them Mexicans already done come over here and built a telephone company.”

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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squeeezer
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Location: new richmond WI
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why Beer Is Better Than Women






You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing".

The dealer, puzzled asks "What"?

I said "At the Ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"!

Smiling the dealer says "That's so they can walk home"!
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple of young tourists are pulled over by a highway patrolman. The officer walks up, asks for the driver's license and registration, and when he doesn't get it quickly enough, whacks the driver in the head. "That's for not having your driver's license ready," he snaps. "I ain't got all day." After he issues the driver a ticket, the patrolman walks around to the other side of the car and whacks the passenger in the head.

"Owwww!" hollers the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
"That's to make your dream come true," replied the cop. "I know that when you'd gotten a half-mile down the road, you were gonna say to your friend here, 'Wish he'd tried that with me!'"
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74ChevyStepside
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ROFLMAO Laughing
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