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**Renamed** The Official Joke Thread
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Should Smoke add a joke section?
Heck Yeah!!!
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Naaa People Would Abuse It.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

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af2
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Joined: 01 Sep 2003
Posts: 5557
Location: grassvalley, ca
71191.50 points


1933 Willys Coupe

PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy walks into a Texas bar (not to far from 10secet) and sees a large glass container filled with $10.00 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He asks the bartender whats up with the jar?
Well you pay $10.00 and if you pass three tests you get the money. Not wanting to pass this up he asks what are the tests?
You have to pay first says the bartender. So the man gave him $10.00 the bartender drops it in the jar and says OK here's what you have to do.
First you have to drink a whole gallon of this peppered Tequila and not make a face.
Second you have to remove the sore tooth from that Pit bull out back with you're bare hands.
Third. There is a 90 year old lady that has never reached orgasm during I/C you've got to make things right for her.

The man is stunned. He says I know I paid my 10 bucks but I'm not an idiot I wont do it!
Bartender says its you're call but the money stays!
As time passes and the drinks flow the guy asks Wherez zat Tequila?
He downs it using both hand with tears running down his face but never made a face.
Next he staggers out back to the Pit bull and the fight was on! People heard the Pit bull barking the man screaming the Pit bull yelping then all was quiet.
Everyone thought the man was dead until he came staggering in the bar a bloody mess and asked where the old lady with the sore tooth was? Shocked
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10sec.et
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Posts: 3472
Location: Houston,Texas
346624.78 points


1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing ... reminds me of home Embarassed and so does this...


Redneck pickup lines

1). "Did you fart?" . . . ."'Cuz you blew me away."

2). "Are yer parents retarded?" . . . ."'Cuz ya sure
are special."

3). "My love fer you is like diarrhea" . . . . "I
can't hold it in."

4). "Do you have a liberry card?" . . . . "'Cuz I'd
like to sign you out."

5). "Is there a mirror in yer pants?" . . . . "'Cuz
I can see myself in
'em."

6). "If you an' I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts
in yer hole."

7). "You might not be the best-lookin' girl here,
but beauty's only a light
switch away."

Cool. Man: "Fat Penguin!"
Woman: "WHAT?!"
Man: "I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice."

9). "I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I
can make yer bed-rock."

10). "I cain't find my puppy. Can you help me find
him? I think he went inta
this here cheap hotel.'

11). "Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner."

12). "If yer gonna regret this in the mornin', we
kin sleep 'til
afternoon."

and . . . the best for last . . .

13). "Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Everytime I
think of it, my nuts
tighten up

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

did we forgett about the jokes????????????

i come home from a hard day of work.........

i wana see some damn jokes Twisted Evil Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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squeeezer
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Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"
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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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William Jones
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Posts: 820
Location: Lake city, FL
28456.50 points


1971 Ford Mustang

PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'His wife was Not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't Let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a Pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Heck is this??' he said To Himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder In my underwear?' She replied with a snicker 'It's not talcum P owder...
It's 'Miracle Grow'.'

_________________
Take the horse out off the barn and let her RUN BABY RUN!!!!!

92 LX 454ci Clevor 9.24@142.53 N/A
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squeeezer
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Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

a catholic priest a rapist and a child molester walk into a bar.......

that is the first guy
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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

alabama state license application

Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____FA_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?
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squeeezer
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Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
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squeeezer
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Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
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af2
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1933 Willys Coupe

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The politically correct people are saying not to call those people rag heads anymore. They shall be known as Sheet heads from now on.
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10sec.et
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Location: Houston,Texas
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”

The man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers—who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds—and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence. He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the balls to make a point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file…when did that happen?”

The man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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Joined: 29 Mar 2006
Posts: 3472
Location: Houston,Texas
346624.78 points


1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven, where they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With that, poof, she’s gone.

The second nun says, “I want to be Madonna” and poof, she’s gone.

The third nun says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No, Sister, this says, ‘Sahara Pipeline’ laid by 1,900 men in six months.”

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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