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**Renamed** The Official Joke Thread
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Should Smoke add a joke section?
Heck Yeah!!!
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Naaa People Would Abuse It.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok thats enough bad language for me for a little while Embarassed
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af2
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1933 Willys Coupe

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

squeeezer wrote:
ok thats enough bad language for me for a little while Embarassed


A little edit goes a long way squeezer! Laughing Laughing
Good one though I have to admit. Laughing Laughing
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

af2 wrote:
squeeezer wrote:
ok thats enough bad language for me for a little while Embarassed


A little edit goes a long way squeezer! Laughing Laughing
Good one though I have to admit. Laughing Laughing





i think you loose too much in translation Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Cool
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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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Location: Houston,Texas
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all go into a pub. All three order a pint of Guinness. The bartender begins pouring the three pints. The first one is ready and the bartender sets it down in front of the Englishman. The English bloke places his hand on the glass then peers into the Guinness, looking a bit disturbed. The bartender, feeling the Englishman's dismay, looks down from the taps at the Englishman. The Englishman tells the bartender, "Excuse me mate, there appears to be a common housefly in my draught. Would you be so kind as to replenish my pint in a freshly cleaned glass?" The bartender gruffly snatches the offending pint, dumps its contents into the sink, and starts pouring a replacement for the Englishman.

The second pint has now finished, and the bartender places this one in front of the Scotsman. The Scotsman, having just witnessed the exchange with the Englishman, peers into his pint glass. Ironically, he also has a fly in his pint of Guinness. The Scotsman takes a quick glance at the bartender, then back to his glass. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his Guinness, pitches it over his shoulder and takes a sip.

The third Guinness is finally ready and this one is delivered to the Irishman. He quickly grips the pint glass and raises it to his mouth. Just before he takes the first sip, he too, notices a fly in his Guinness. Enraged, the Irishman slams the pint onto the bar and snatches the fly out of the glass. He holds the fly face down over the pint glass and begins squeezing the fly while yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTAHD, SPIT IT OUT!"

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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af2
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1933 Willys Coupe

PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When you are waiting for the bus and someone stops and asks has the bus come yet? Dumbed a$$!!!

The wife called the other day and asked if I wanted a threesome? I said sure? Came home last night and she had 2 guys in bed with her!! ( Rodney Dangerfield) The best one liner I have seen!!!!! Laughing
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squeeezer
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.
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nwcc
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Posts: 453
Location: Pacific Northwest
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

George Carlin New Rules For 2008

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.? After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a piece of cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
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phydeaux
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Posts: 84

3114.12 points


1997 Oldsmobile Aurora

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special" At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by check." I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

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phydeaux
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1997 Oldsmobile Aurora

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

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phydeaux
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1997 Oldsmobile Aurora

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was driving my Geo Metro last night. Three cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on fourteen-inch rims. It's stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely washed car around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by surprise...

I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast "No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK", when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Geo throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip.

I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. A late model Ford Festiva, could be trouble, I thought. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and school bus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.

The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am *darn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of three screaming cylinders...Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole; my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my rear tires... my differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, rear wheels juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs.

I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust! Probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust... maybe even cutouts! darn his hot-rod soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping cylinders singing a heady high-pitched song wound fully out though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift!

I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five-foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner. I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet.

Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Geo roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground -
no matter, though, because my drive wheels, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ... The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my Geo eased past him on the outside, my 185/80R14's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right.

Chevy superiority reigns!!! I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a S-10.

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af2
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 3:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kind of reminds me.
http://www.goofball.com/cartoons/obgyn
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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

af2 wrote:
Kind of reminds me.
http://www.goofball.com/cartoons/obgyn


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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Joined: 29 Mar 2006
Posts: 3472
Location: Houston,Texas
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 1:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One was using a guide
dog and the other was tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spread through the cabin, but the men entered the
cockpit, the door closed and the engines started up. The passengers began
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a
little practical joke. None was forthcoming.

The plane moved faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realized they were headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport. As it began to look as though the plane will
plough into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers
relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon all retreated into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turned to the other and said,
'Ya know, Jim, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all
gonna die.'

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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nwcc
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got these from my local car club forum :
cadanova wrote:





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