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**Renamed** The Official Joke Thread
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Should Smoke add a joke section?
Heck Yeah!!!
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Naaa People Would Abuse It.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

Author Message
phydeaux
Member


Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 84

3114.12 points


1997 Oldsmobile Aurora

PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a
busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front
of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and
honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard
a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very
serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car
with her hands up. He took her to the police station where
she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed
in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for
this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you
were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper Sticker,
And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

_________________
FASTER!!! FASTER!!! Until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.
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phydeaux
Member


Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 84

3114.12 points


1997 Oldsmobile Aurora

PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oil Changing Instructions:




Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car




Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

_________________
FASTER!!! FASTER!!! Until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.
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nwcc
Member


Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 453
Location: Pacific Northwest
158.80 points



PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan




What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.





What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag





Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.




What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts





Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.




What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.





What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.





What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs





What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes





What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.







Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.




Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.





What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you






Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.





Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.




What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.




What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"




Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.




Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.




Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.




Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.






Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.





Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"





What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment




What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".






How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!






What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....



Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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nwcc
Member


Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 453
Location: Pacific Northwest
158.80 points



PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Reading Plugs on a Nitrous motor:

Listen, here is how you read your plugs on a nitrous engine.

1. Make a full pass.
2. Check your plugs and if they still have the ground strap on them, you are fine.
3. Add more nitrous.
4. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
5. When the ground strap disappears, back off on the nitrous, change the plugs, the pistons, the rod and main bearings, the rings, hone the block (or if there are any serious holes in the block, change the block), and go back to steps 1 and 2.
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squeeezer
Member


Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="phydeaux"]Oil Changing Instructions:




Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car




i found your problem......you dont drink enough Laughing Laughing Laughing
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squeeezer
Member


Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".

Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".

Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a
trophy".

Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".

Unbeknownst to the mouse a pussy cat was hiding in the bushes and he also
saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the
mouse".

So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.

The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet pussy.
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squeeezer
Member


Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was ready to shit his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, "Thank God you're here - we could really use your help! We found mailman dead on our porch this morning!"
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nwcc
Member


Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 453
Location: Pacific Northwest
158.80 points



PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paint the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde, with a typical blank ditsy look, quickly responded,

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,

"Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, " the blonde replied, "....and I even had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way....., " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus."
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William Jones
Member


Joined: 30 Jan 2006
Posts: 820
Location: Lake city, FL
28456.50 points


1971 Ford Mustang

PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 9:40 am    Post subject: Nine words women use Reply with quote

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K <mailto:F@!K> YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

_________________
Take the horse out off the barn and let her RUN BABY RUN!!!!!

92 LX 454ci Clevor 9.24@142.53 N/A
71 Mach1 454ci Clevor 10.16@134 N/A 3850lbs race weight "Lost in fire"
03 Cobra Bone stock 12.42
68 Falcon 363ci 10.55@126 N/A
95 GT 363ci 11.08@118 N/A
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nwcc
Member


Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 453
Location: Pacific Northwest
158.80 points



PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 2:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Advice for Men dealing with aging wives
Some form of this has been around for a while, but IMHO it's worth a 'refresher' reading-

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me
relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to
get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about
the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I
hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That
way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half
finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer
lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise.
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10sec.et
Member


Joined: 29 Mar 2006
Posts: 3472
Location: Houston,Texas
346624.78 points


1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally,
the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think
of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do
it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do
we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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af2
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Posts: 5557
Location: grassvalley, ca
71191.50 points


1933 Willys Coupe

PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Boy you guys are tough!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing
About 10 years ago the wife and I were on a mixed Bowling league and pretty much everyone were friends. My youngest son was 5 at the time and asked one of our friends if he was going to have a boy or girl! AJ damned near choked on his beer! I was doing a job close to his house yesterday and stopped by AJ's to say hi. My son was with me and the first thing AJ said was the little bastard is still there! My son and I cracked up. My son remembered saying that, amazing!
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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do 90% of americans say before they wreck? OH SHIT! OK Now what do the other 10% say...............................................they say hold my beer honey youre gonna love this
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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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squeeezer
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Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 2427
Location: new richmond WI
191524.76 points


1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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