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**Renamed** The Official Joke Thread
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Should Smoke add a joke section?
Heck Yeah!!!
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Naaa People Would Abuse It.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

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squeeezer
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

a man is walking down a beach and finds a lamp in the sand
he picks it up and dusts it off
out pops a genie
genie says "i will grant you 1 wish"
guy says "naaaaaw"
genie says" surely you want something.....how about money"
guy says "nope....i have all the money i need"
genie says " how about fame"
guy says "just not interested"
they go back and forth to no avail suddenly
guy says" i know how about you build me a bridge from california to hawaii.....im afraid of flying....and i wana see hawaii real bad"
genie says " i dont know thats way too much for me to handle...i dont think i can pull it off"
guy says " thats too bad thats all i want"
then guy says "wait a minute .....i got it......how bout you grant me the knowledge of how to understand women"

genie says "how would you like that freeway 2 lanes or 4"
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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"i like the way you think"


A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him, "None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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phydeaux
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1997 Oldsmobile Aurora

PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 8:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two television antennas fell in love and ran away to get married. The ceremony wasn't that good but the reception was great.
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FASTER!!! FASTER!!! Until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 11:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

an 85 year old woman decided to off herself
she had experienced everything in her life that was important to her
she also decided it would be easiest to shoot herself in the heart
she wasn't sure exactly where her heart was so she called her doctor
her doctor told her your heart is 2 inches below your left nipple

so she shot herself in the knee
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William Jones
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1971 Ford Mustang

PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 10:02 pm    Post subject: getting old Reply with quote

WHO'S LOOKIN' OUT??
From some of my service guys.
They know I still need a good laugh.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.



The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a pee , then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

When you are young and foolish - speed and flashy may be a good thing. When you get older and smarter - comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!!?

_________________
Take the horse out off the barn and let her RUN BABY RUN!!!!!

92 LX 454ci Clevor 9.24@142.53 N/A
71 Mach1 454ci Clevor 10.16@134 N/A 3850lbs race weight "Lost in fire"
03 Cobra Bone stock 12.42
68 Falcon 363ci 10.55@126 N/A
95 GT 363ci 11.08@118 N/A
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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 11:01 pm    Post subject: Re: getting old Reply with quote

William Jones wrote:
WHO'S LOOKIN' OUT??
From some of my service guys.
They know I still need a good laugh.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.



The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a pee , then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

When you are young and foolish - speed and flashy may be a good thing. When you get older and smarter - comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!!?




Laughing Laughing Laughing i guess im getting old... thats the best one yet.




















of course, i must retort....

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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William Jones
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1971 Ford Mustang

PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 1:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats a good one but I like "I like the way you think" the best. Laughing
_________________
Take the horse out off the barn and let her RUN BABY RUN!!!!!

92 LX 454ci Clevor 9.24@142.53 N/A
71 Mach1 454ci Clevor 10.16@134 N/A 3850lbs race weight "Lost in fire"
03 Cobra Bone stock 12.42
68 Falcon 363ci 10.55@126 N/A
95 GT 363ci 11.08@118 N/A
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Knarley Darley
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Joined: 22 Apr 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A navy battle ship has strayed off course in a bad storm, and sees a light ahead in its course. The battle ship radios for them to get out of their way and change course. The person at the other end radios back and respectfully asks the battle ship to change it's course.

The battle ship radios back furiosly and says This is the flag ship of the entire pacific fleet battle group and I order you to change course.

The other end radios back now pleading respectfully for them to change course.

Now furious the admiral of the entire fleet gets on the radio and personally identifies himself and threatens "if you do not change course I am going to blow you out of the water" What is your rank and what ship are you on? the admiral asks.

Sir this is second lutenant Johnson and this is a LIGHTHOUSE.
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William Jones
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1971 Ford Mustang

PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.


The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."


He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.


After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"


He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."


........ AND WHAT WERE YOU....THINKING????

_________________
Take the horse out off the barn and let her RUN BABY RUN!!!!!

92 LX 454ci Clevor 9.24@142.53 N/A
71 Mach1 454ci Clevor 10.16@134 N/A 3850lbs race weight "Lost in fire"
03 Cobra Bone stock 12.42
68 Falcon 363ci 10.55@126 N/A
95 GT 363ci 11.08@118 N/A
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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F@#%," the rottweiler ate him!"

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
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squeeezer
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1991 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”
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af2
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

squeeezer wrote:
Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”


I just made my son do the dishes! Thats bad man!!! Laughing Laughing
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10sec.et
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok phydeaux, i know you can do better than the "antennae" joke...
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William Jones
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 10:06 pm    Post subject: Intelligence factor Reply with quote

The Air Force Vs. The Army
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ......
"You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

_________________
Take the horse out off the barn and let her RUN BABY RUN!!!!!

92 LX 454ci Clevor 9.24@142.53 N/A
71 Mach1 454ci Clevor 10.16@134 N/A 3850lbs race weight "Lost in fire"
03 Cobra Bone stock 12.42
68 Falcon 363ci 10.55@126 N/A
95 GT 363ci 11.08@118 N/A
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