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**Renamed** The Official Joke Thread
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Should Smoke add a joke section?
Heck Yeah!!!
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Naaa People Would Abuse It.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

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10sec.et
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Location: Houston,Texas
346658.74 points


1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.



Your friend,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.




LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter

to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

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af2 wrote:
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af2
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1933 Willys Coupe

PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A businessman goes to Vegas and looses his a$$. Having a plane ticket home and a quarter he hails a cab at the street. He jumps in and asked. How much for a ride to the airport? The cabbie replies $15 bucks. The business replies I am broke but I can give you my license # and a credit card, just please get me to the airport. The cabbie says get the hell out of my cab!! So the guy gets out pissed and hitchhiked to the airport barely making his flight home.
The next year he arives at the same casino and hits it big. Having to leave he sees a row of cabs waiting to give someone a ride.
At the end of around 10 cabs he recognizes the cabbie that wouldn't give him a ride last year. Still pissed he jumps in the first cab and asked the driver how much to the airport? Cabbie says $15 bucks. The businessman then asked. How much for oral sex? The cabbie replied get the hell out of my cab! So the businessman went down the row of cabs getting the same get out of my cab until he got to the one from last year. He got in and asked. How much to the airport? The cabbie said $15 bucks same as last year you no payer!! So the business man handed him the $15 bucks and off they went. On the way past the other cabbies the businessman was waving and giving the thumbs up to all the other cabbies.
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call
her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds
his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about!
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the
Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The
People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doodoo!

_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a Cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
_________________
af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lawyer and an Italian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Italians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Italian would like to play a fun game.

The Italian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Italians attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Italian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Italian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Italian and hands him $500. The Italian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Italian up and
asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Italian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.



Don't mess with the Italians.

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared, I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.

"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10.00.

I was so happy to have saved all that money

that I went and bought me a new Chevy pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i had to steal this one fron ROP.......


The Husband Store
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

a little boy wants $100 but doesnt know how to acquire the money so he decides to pray for it.

he prays and prays but the money never comes so he decides to write a letter to God.

he writes his letter and puts it in the mail.

the post office receives the letter but doesnt quite know what to do with this letter because its addressed to God.

they decide to send it to the president. the president receives this letter and is quite amused by it.

he then tells his secretary to send the little boy $5.

the little boy gets his $5 in the mail and is pleased.

he thinks to himself, "i should write a thank you letter".

the letter reads:

"dear God, thank you for sending me the $100 but for some reason, you sent it through Washington and those assholes took out $95 in taxes".

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It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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af2
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Only if you are A.I.G. Laughing Laughing
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i stole this one from yellowbullet................


A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool..... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????..........

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 11:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fall Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Thursday June 29, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

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Knarley Darley
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 5:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman looking for a job applied at a lemon grove in Florida. She appeared to be way over qualified, when the foreman frowned and asked "have you had any experience in picking lemons"?






Well she said, I have been divorced Three times and I voted for Obama!
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.



Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."



Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."



Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."



Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."



Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.



Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."



Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."



Johnny is even madder than before.



Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."



Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave.."



Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.



When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"



The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"



Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

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Skunkworkx
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1968 Chevrolet Camaro

PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 10:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause ??



Santa stops at 3 Ho's Smile

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