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**Renamed** The Official Joke Thread
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Should Smoke add a joke section?
Heck Yeah!!!
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Naaa People Would Abuse It.
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 4

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10sec.et
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 10:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, "Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!"

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

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555nova
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a true story about a friend, Kelly passed away last week.

Kelly walks over to my grandpa and says "Buster, you know the difference between a bologna sandwich and a blow job" my grandpa gives him a funny look and said no. Kelly replies "Good lets do lunch"
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af2
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That reminds me of a drunk buddy that had a dog named chunks!!!

Imagination is worth a thousand words! Laughing
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10sec.et
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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 10:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning . " He slams the door and returns to bed.




"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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af2
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A good one or 2 or 3!
Shocked



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWwh2-ESR6U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RoNemjcjGE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3oM_cjHfkY
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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Little Red Wagon


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog
and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, too -
I think you could go faster.

"The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!" As
she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed wide open.

"Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on
to
her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The little old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke do you not understand?

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.....

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.

Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.

This child has been working with glue too much.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.

It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat
out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.



These Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos
around the country.....

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven"

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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clay
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Your child has delusions of adequacy.

I'm gonna have fun using this one........Clay

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I have done so much with so little for so long, I can now do anything with nothing.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had to print that list out! Too funny.

Big Dave
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10sec.et
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

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af2 wrote:
It seems we can look at our magical Balls and come up with a fix?

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10sec.et
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1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

af2 wrote:
A businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend of gambling. He lost his ass and had a quarter left in his pocket and the return flight back home. He went out front and saw a cab. He jumped in and told the cab driver his situation, he promised to send the cabbie the money when he got home, even offered credit card #'s and his drivers license#. To no avail the cabbie said "if you don't have $15.00 get out of my cab!" So he hitched a ride and barely made the flight home. A year later after making good money he went to the same casino and won big. Walking out side he was still thinking of last year's fiasco with the cabbie and had to get to the airport. Wanting to get the guy back, he came up with a plan. Seeing his old buddy cabbie at the end of the 15+ cabs waiting he jumped in the first one and asked what it cost to get to the airport? 15 bucks said the guy then he asked how much more for oral sex? Get the hell out of my cab was the response! So he worked his way down the line until he got to his old buddy from last year and asked how much to the airport? 15 bucks! He says OK. They go driving past the other cabbies and he waived and gave the thumbs up to all of them.


Big Grin

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10sec.et
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into
a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into
The garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather
out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

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